High Performers Will Always Fail With The Narcissist

High Performers Will Always Fail With The Narcissist

hello youtubers hello subscribers thanks for tuning in let's talk a little bit about high performers and why they will always fail when they're in the care or in the hands of a narcissist first let's talk about what a high performer is and I'm referring to on the job a high performer is someone who comes in and immediately starts making an impact they contribute at a high level they're innovative they're creative they have a lot of energy they apply themselves heavily and directly towards their work they give something called discretionary effort which is basically effort above and beyond what is required to get the job done business partners other individuals in the company immediately take notice of this person's performance and generally have fairly good things to say about this person they stand out from the crowd mainly because of that extra effort they put towards all of their work they're very thorough they have strong work ethic and they take a lot of pride in their work so that's why I'm referring to when I talk about high performers they usually have a paper trail in terms of kudos and congratulations that others have given to them bonuses Awards their work has been rewarded is my point so that's what I'm talking about when I'm talking about a high performer so let's talk about the narcissist and in particular the narcissistic boss but it doesn't always have to be your boss in order for you to fail in this particular role so that's why said the narcissist and not fail with a narcissistic boss but they're interchangeable in this case so here's what happens here's the cycle high performer applies for a job it gets picked up by HR they get brought in for an interview immediately either during the interview or immediately after the interview the high performer is offered this job and let's say for the sake of this example it's the narcissistic boss the narcissistic boss offers the high performer the job high performers excited they're super pumped to start a new role week or two goes by they start their new job and they start immediately excelling taking off making great contributions and really doing great things that are moving the company and pushing the company forward they might be bringing in more money maybe they save the company money whatever the case is they're really showing everyone why they got hired for the job so the high performer is happy and for a little while the high performer will think I finally found my niche I finally found the place where I can plant and thrive and succeed and I don't have to go on this job hunt anymore and I can finally settle in somewhere along the line I want to stay probably around the two or three month mark the high performer will start to receive very vague unfounded feedback that's not based in reality usually from the narcissistic boss or a narcissist that has some type of impact on this person's future and career at this job this company and it throws the high performer off because if you look at their track record it doesn't match the feedback that they are receiving so being the high performer that they are what they usually then do is internalize that feedback and then ramp their efforts up in an effort to make that negative feedback go away now let's keep in mind all throughout this that we're talking about this person is dealing with a narcissist or a narcissistic boss not a healthy situation I'll tell you what happens in the healthy situation they get this vague so continuing on to get this vague feedback it worries them because again these are people who take pride in their work so then they start to go above and beyond even the discretionary effort they were already giving which ultimately leads to burnout and now their performance is sincerely starting to fail to which the narcissist latches on to and gives them even more feedback that weighs them down and drag and down so it sounds a little bit something like oh we've noticed that you're not your normal happy self you used to be so positive you seem so frustrated lately you seem so disconnected lately what's going on you know what's going on is this person is spinning their wheels trying to figure out how to satisfy this feedback they've been given and the reason they burnout is because there is no satisfaction to the feedback because it's usually not true or it's exaggerated or it's some type of gas-lit gaslighting form of feedback one of their favorites is people are saying and if you're a good boss a good leader generally you will not deliver feedback that's that vague if you really want to make changes and see someone make changes you have to be specific because if someone says to you people are saying what is your first question going to be who are these people right and the high performer wants to know that too so they get these little vague nuggets of feedback or they'll do excellent on a project and the narcissist will latch on to something that's kind of irrelevant but they'll use that as a basis basis of bad performance so then the high performer ramps up their their efforts to satisfy something that's not even real they burn out and now their performance is actually starting to suffer so now the narcissist latches on to that like food and they're eating it up and they're giving this person all this feedback and so high performers don't quit easily so high performer is going to say we'll give me advice give me examples give me steps tell me what to do to get better the narcissists will never have an answer for you never they will never have an answer for you because they can't because what they're telling you doesn't really exist it's not really real so you can't correct a problem that doesn't actually exist and that's what makes you crazy and that's what makes you burnout so then the person is in the process of burning out and if they stick around too long generally what will happen is they start to get performance counseling or they start to get write-ups or they start to have the serious conversations about their future so now this person is moved from burnout to depression because they don't know what they've done wrong and all they can reflect on is how well they started and where they are their current state this person is dealing with a narcissist a narcissistic company or a narcissistic boss and the sad part is they will actually never win against any of those three that I just named they'll never win they'll burn out their performance will suffer to the point where either they'll have to quit or they will be fired so let's kind of look at that how does a person go from high performing to low performance this is the question that companies are not asking well mainly because most of them are set up by narcissists I won't go down that rabbit hole on this video I'll go down that rabbit hole in another video but most companies have a very narcissistic structure in place the companies that are experiencing the highest retention right now are those who have completely banished that type of behavior and that type of thinking but if you're in a narcissistic setup of a company you're not going to win because keep in mind narcissists have no pride they have nothing to lose is what I mean so they'll keep playing this game with you until you die honestly you could kill over with a heart attack and they could care less they're there they could not care less and they'll be disappointed because now they have to find a new toy to play with they went to too far with this one so now they have to find a new toy to play with but anyway the question that companies really need to ask themselves is how does the person go from high to low performance in a span of what six months to a year whatever it may be okay not a span of 30 days 90 days because most people put forth their best foot when they first start a job so I can see how someone can go from high to low in a very short timeframe because they were probably just pretending anyway but how does a person consistently deliver at a high level for a period of four five six months seven months and then suddenly take a nosedive and if that is the case why is that grounds for dismissal and not development do you see what I'm saying so let's kind of back up and look at the exact same example with a healthy company healthy people healthy bosses you come in as a high performer and actually you probably won't ever take the nosedive because you're dealing with healthy people but let's just say for the sake of argument and for the sake of example you come in as a higher performer you perform at a high level for seven months straight and then suddenly you take a nosedive assuming you're not a narcissistic situation a healthy company is going to look and say this person has really produced for us they've given us their best they've always delivered high quality work they've been really great to work with really awesome co-workers what happened let's talk to them let's ask questions let's see if there's something we can do to support them maybe something's going on in their life that they have no control over and it's it's creeping into their work life but we care about this person we don't want to lose them we also don't want to go through the hiring process again let's see if we can figure out what's wrong to fix it because it makes no sense for a person to go from high performance to low performance when they have a track record of high performance a narcissistic company however is going to take the approach of you have to be you have to perform at 100% at all times no matter the circumstances no matter how we set it up for you to fail or succeed and if you even so much show a sign of human frustration burnout exhaustion we're just going to get rid of you and that's how a lot of them operate you know their first approach is not remedy their first approach is punishment and what's interesting is a lot of times people are being punished for very natural reactions to causes simple cause and effect so they're dealing with someone who's a problem who probably has been a problem is probably a documented problem and because they start to show signs of wear and tear as a result of dealing with this person instead of the company saying maybe we need to take a look at who we have leading our people the company says well we're going to protect this person and get rid of you and we're going to maintain this this unhealthy individual in our midst I did a video called a narcissistic safe-havens and a lot of companies are narcissistic safe havens but I want to take another spin on this video and talk a little bit about what causes that how the narcissist actually takes that approach with the person and causes them to take the nosedive what actually is contributing to that here's what it is you guys might now probably know that I love analogies and metaphors so picture a dark room it's pitch black in the room and someone brings in a light or maybe there's a light in the room that has a dimmer switch on it okay and so someone walks in and slowly starts turning the light up and you can slowly start to see everything that's in the room okay but the person doesn't just stop once they've gotten the light on they keep timing the light until now it's actually too bright so now everyone in the room is squinting and you can see everything in the room you can see every scuffle in the wall you can see every piece of dirt and dust in the corner you can see all the cobwebs because the light is so bright okay so some of you already know where I'm going with this when the narcissist hires the high performer the room is dark okay the high performer comes in and with each contribution they make the light turns up a little bit right at first it's great because everyone can see oh my – we've been in the dark for so long we can finally see now but what happens is as the light keeps turning up in other words as the high performer continues to do great things continues to ask questions continues to try to improve processes the light is getting brighter and brighter and now we can see all the dirty laundry in the room now we can see all the dirt on the walls we can see all the trash on the floor all the cobwebs and who narcissists hate that narcissus need to live in a dim little world where no one can see what's going on and they operate very well in that circumstance they operate very well in the shadows in the darkness they really don't prefer light but they'll take a little bit of light just so they can see where they are but don't turn it all the way up because then you are exposed so the high performer actually exposes the narcissist the high performer exposes the safe-haven they expose the company for who they are and oftentimes they do it without even trying often times they do it just by being themselves they expose all of this stuff so that's why the narcissus likes them at first because it helps them see because if you'll recall narcissus don't really like to do a lot of thinking they don't really like to do a lot of creating they have to keep everything kind of stable steady Eddy in order to keep the mask in place it's a very fragile mask it slips very easily it's not on plate in place with Krazy Glue okay more like Elmer's maybe the glue stick okay and so the high performer comes in and makes it very difficult for them to continue on as they have the high performer ask questions that demand answers not in a rude way just in an inquisitive way why do you all do it that way how did you all come to that conclusion and when there aren't good answers and you're in a place where people are accustomed to just not speaking up not questioning anything that's the equivalent of turning that light on so bright that now we're squinting okay and that's what the narcissist has to get rid of you because the longer you're around the more accountable the narcissist and that company has to be the more questions they have to answer the more they actually have to be responsible with their decisions and their choices and the way that they treat their employees so the high performer is just a bright light that comes in as a dimmer it comes in very dim and over time becomes so bright the narcissist can't take it and has to get rid of you because they don't want to have to do anything different I actually really this is kind of a sidebar so if you're done with this topic you can stop the video now but I'm going to keep going I predict in about 20 years or so we will see businesses take off in a very good direction and the reason that I predict that is because a lot of these narcissists are still in place we've got about 10 to 15 about 20 years before they are all gone before they've all retired and gotten out of these positions of power sure some of them will stick around on boards of directors and all that's fine and I know that narcissists have kids and they'll put their little baby narcissus in their positions I know that's going to happen but I think overall eventually these businesses will be relinquished to business practices that really support the human being and when human beings are supportive they're incredibly productive because I believe it's in humans nature to want to be effective to want to produce to want to contribute I think that's in humans nature but conditions have to be right for a person to thrive and right now there are a lot of companies a lot of narcissistic safe havens and they have a lot of people in positions of power maintaining the status quo but the beautiful thing is they can't maintain it forever they have to retire eventually and they're doing it they're retiring little by little slowly but surely they're moving out of these positions and I think we will see a surge in business I really believe we'll see kind of like a golden era in terms of people going on jobs liking their jobs feeling like they're fairly paid but more than the pay feeling like they're fairly treated okay so a high performer will go to a company and that company will fight tooth and nail to keep that person this person is helping them make money this person is helping boost morale this person is helping take this company to the next level they will not be so easy to dismiss people like that in the future in the future people like that will be so highly sought-after that they'll probably spend a lot of their time telling companies no I'm happy I'm happy where I'm at thank you so much for the offer thank you for the consideration but I am happy here and companies will be throwing money out of begging them to come work for them and actually treat them well when they get there it's just going to take some time you guys it's going to take some time I feel like right now we're shaking off a really bad cold like the way things are right now the state of affairs in the world it's like a really nasty flu that planet Earth has I do believe we're in the process of shaking it off even though it doesn't look like it I do believe sometimes things get worse before they get better and I think we're at the worst part of the flu right now but I do think it's getting ready to peak if you guys can just hang in there if you learn the more you learn the more you share your ideas the more you change your behaviors that's how we change the world and that's why I'm doing this channel so I thank you all for listening I thank you all my new subscribers thanks for joining it welcome to the team thanks to everyone who's been commenting down below I've been responding to some comments in liking a whole bunch of them so I really have a lot of fun down there in the comments section I hope you guys do too but as always thank you for tuning in and I'm going to close my videos with this from now on I grant you the permission to exist take care

32 thoughts on “High Performers Will Always Fail With The Narcissist


  2. Becoming aware of Narcissistic Abuse explains my entire resume / career…!! I am the workhorse overworked empath who never says "No," and therefore gets "Gaslit," exploited, used, chewed up, & spit out..!! I hate Corporate America because of the "Narcissistic Safehaven" concept explained here..!! Some channels explain this as the empath not setting proper boundaries at work..!! I like the "Narcissistic Safehaven" explanations here as it is more realistic..!! Setting boundaries in all Corporate position I held led to unjust termination as dicussed in this video..!!

  3. Everything you just stated is 100% true.I put many many extra hours in and helped others to achieve their daily goals but the manager still continuously found fault that was fabricated and outright lies.Out of nowhere i was being wrote up for poor workmanship.Now I’ve filed a lawsuit for harassment.This company has a massive turnover rate to the point that the help wanted signs never come down.Its all due to narcissistic management.

  4. You are my angel today!!!!

  5. Millennials are just as narcissistic as the baby boomers.

  6. In field construction you get famous and know when you have made it up the ladder and are well known for your hard work ethics,and skill that gets it done on time on budget without having to do it over by putting quality first and the extra to get quantity,you become shot house famous in the plants in which you work and are well known. You can not cash jealousy or hate on Friday but if you make the contractor money and yourself some as well it is not personal if you get laid off because you are lazy and have no pride in your Craftsmanship and work. They cull the folks that are lazy and have no initiative and are not productive with small layoffs then call and put in an order for more men. On outages of only 3 weeks this may happen twice or more before the job is done. Lack of interest and draining the money pool allocated for labor those people are laid off and replaced by more men quickly as possible. Haters are just sheep and stick their nose up the bosses ass instead of working hard and demanding the wages they deserve by making the man money too.

  7. Just say it. We need to send the those darn boomers to Siberia 😁

  8. On point

  9. The narc always leaves one under turmoil. They make sure that the last thing they say is a hook. A thorn of pain.

  10. Hi. I would like to thank you especially for this video, as I believe this is the scenario I have been dealing with the last 6 months I have been in this new job. Although, I keep in mind my own shortcomings that might have lead to this dead-end I am facing at the moment, I keep in mind this explanation as you describe it in this video. I have started off as a very promising new employee (while I tried to keep their expectations to a realistic level, I felt like I was somehow put onto a pedestal), but soon after I asked for a raise, which was actually given to me, I suddenly felt like I was gradually turned into the scapegoat of the office. The criticism is constant, and though before it was provided together with compliments for good work, now there is a constant attack on my mistakes (yes I admit I do make mistakes, but some are just presented as mistakes but in fact are just different professional approaches), there is a constant treatment with contempt, in general, matched with passive aggressive behavior. Despite the criticism, I have noted (since the beginning actually) a repetitive attempt to down-light any good outcomes, as results from my work. I have started to feel drained, and actually losing any motive to become better, or even keep up the good work, as there is also a high turn-over rate. In the last 6 months, 2 employees out of 6 have lost their job, and, apart from me, a new one has arrived, which seems to work together with a triangulation tactic which is applied in order to increase the competition among us. Sometimes, working there feels like an object or a robot, that could be replaced in a two-weeks notice.

  11. The narcissist also feels threatened by the high performer. They measure themselves against the high performer and feel they are in a competition with them so they try to break them down.

  12. Very true

  13. I had a narcissistic partner and a flying monkey partner that ate up the narcissist smear campaign against me. Left that company with the quickness.

  14. This so applies to narc parents and the (bright) honest child who calls them out on it. They and the rest of the family then scapegoat this child. It results in the scapegoat deteriorating and sometimes committing suicide.

  15. OMG! My new boss has been giving me this somebody has complained line for the last month and it’s in conflict with the feedback I’m receiving from the field. He refuses to say who it is. I was already near burn out when he came on board. Now I don’t see any good end in sight. I’m considering early retirement. I do feel like because I’m a high performer he’s trying to target me and set me up for failure. This is confusing because I’d be his best asset if he would simply let me. I’m over worked and underpaid and I don’t understand why they don’t simply rift me as they have done with others. Truthfully this feels like bullying and harassment. He started last July and it’s been a roller coaster ride every since. He seems to be causing unrest, jealousy, unnecessary competition and negativity between myself and my peers. I really don’t know what to do. I love my job, but I can’t work under these conditions much longer. Everything you described is happening to me from the word go. If I make 1 mistake it’s blown out of proportion. I’ve had several verbal conflicts with him and I’ve never had an adversarial relationship with a boss before. My emotions have been pushed beyond my capacity to keep them in check, I’m 53 soon to be 54 which isn’t helping in that area. I don’t have a lot of work years left which is why I’ve been hesitant to make a move. As soon as we have a conflict from his digging a needle sized mistake out a mountain of great work, he backs off and pretends like it’s no big deal. Even if I admit to the mistake he continues to dig, fault find and complain until I’m on the verge of walking out. He calls me on my cell as I believe he’s avoiding the possibility of being recorded on the business phone. Thank really need some guidance. If I could just get through these next few months while balance out my obligations, give back to myself and get my health back in check, I believe that I can find another opportunity or retire early pay off my debt and try to start a business.

  16. At one job, the weeks top performer would have their face posted and the rest of the team would mock the "winner".

    They tend to hate people who own who they are and earn their way to their position.

    They dislike people they cannot be and things they "cannot" do.

  17. The boss is either envious or the poor employee is out performing his peers. The bosses instructions are not to give good reviews because thry would have to justify giving out raises and or bonuses. Their bottom line of this corporate culture is called greed. They want some drone to push paper. The others are way too threatening.

  18. Yes, and the scary part is that this can happen later, as well.  At first, there are narcissistic coworkers, but there are also good people in the department and the higher performer is able to thrive for a time. The high performer and the good people bring light and life to the room for many years.  Yet, eventually,  those narcissists take down one of the major, good players, and the room gets significantly darker.  Then as the room grows darker, good people who are close to retirement naturally choose to retire.  And the room grows darker.  Perhaps you stay because you have been there a number of years and you have worked hard to build up a reputation.  Your family doesn't really understand why you want to leave.  You and your family have made sacrifices to build this reputation, why do you want to give up now?  And then, finally, the last good person retires.  And you are trapped in a dark room with a mob of narcissists.  Yes, that is what it feels like.  Trapped in a dark room filled with snakes.  Excellent analogy.

  19. I have worked in administration for Government, University and finance and I am so glad that I am retired now after crashing from a spectacular burnout! I never realized that I had been working with narcissists for many years and I was one of those high performers.

  20. Oh….my….goodness! Over the last few weeks, while doing chores around my house, I just let your videos roll-one after another in the background, and I can truly say that one of my clients (of many years) fits the description for sure. I know there are things that have personally happened to her while growing up, and I always made excuses for her bad/crazy/confusing behavior because of this. Now, after coming across this information that you've put out…..it all makes sense. I never even knew what a narcissist was. I love her still very much (I'm most certainly an empath-which has worked out wonderfully for her). But she's used all of these techniques to put road blocks up to make me stay around longer (sometimes a lot longer) than I'm supposed to. This has happened over the years even when she knew I had family waiting on me, i.e. my daughter needing to be picked up from school, and in plenty of other situations as well. She's upped the ante little by little with what's expected of me over the years, so that now…let's just say it's pretty darn crazy what I do for her-for zero extra pay. I've recently put up some boundaries with the time I'm giving to her, and she's used every trick in the book to break down my systems to get me to stay around until her husband (other supply) gets home-even though I can finish the work load, even as ramped up as it is now, in about half the time. This has caused me so much frustration over the years, but I'm a people pleaser, and get my validation through the many many many tasks I do for others. I'm usually in a pretty isolated environment too-just me and 1 client at a time, so it certainly makes things worse. Gosh, I'm so glad you put this info out there, and it just makes me realize too, that I have GOT to step up and do more research about how and why I ended up in this situation (my childhood was pretty crazy too), and how to remedy things….even if it means cutting some folks out of my life. Thank You from the bottom of my heart 🙂

  21. Thank you. I was wondering why my supervisor had recently starting to set me up for failure. I'm the top sales producer in this market. Started training new reps quickly guilding them to consistently exceed weekly goals. He has been gas lighting me every day for the past few weeks. When I shared my concerns I was told it's my imagination. Now I understand.

  22. Narcissists destroy companies…for fun.

  23. The las t narc employer told me …"No one likes you"… after they all had invited me to a party and we ate together every day…hmmmm.

  24. Hmmmm. From the first time I worked for them. Look who I was before and look who I have become

  25. Narcissists are alive and well in the public school systems. There is no end in sight as you suggested at the end of this video.

  26. I think the positions will be filled by new narcissists.

  27. I'm a real narcissist magnet and I have a narc boss as we speak. I love the advice that you give. Here is a question. What do we do in the mean time with the narc boss?
    What I mean is how do we survive?
    It's hard for someone in my business to find work. Thanks!
    Keep up the good work!

  28. Narcissist safe haven = my current place of employment. It's like being in the Twilight Zone and if I get fired it'll be interesting to see how they'll word it on a separation notice since they won't admit: we were intimidated because she was holding us accountable to be fair and exemplify integrity. SMH

  29. Thank you so much for this video. I have struggled for nearly three years. Everything laid out in this video has happened. Quickly being hired, shining light on things. Circle of trust.. WOW!! Here I am at Christmas and I found out my boss is going to hire a person "parallel" to my position when I get back to work. I have gone out on my own to get more certifications in my field. Worked so hard to try to get ahead that it is hurting my marriage. He has given me less than cost of living raises for the past two years and I expect the same this year. I am on call 24/7, worked weekends and hollidays only to become so frustrated that I can sleep. I really appreciate all of the input here. It truly helps me understand and how to deal with things going forward.

  30. I'm just discovering your channel at the end of 2018. I work in the Law Enforcement field and unfortunately it is a BREEDING ground for narcissists. I am going through something now which is what led me here. I'm trying to make sense of what is happening to me. I am a high performer (with a paper trail) and my direct supervisor is trying to gaslight me for an honest mistake I made while conducting a very critical task just a few days ago. So anyway, I am now forced to wait until after the New Year upon his return to discuss it. However, he called me twice on a recorded line trying to pigeon hole me. Our agency has failed to staff my section properly leaving one person to handle responsibilities, potentially critical situations. of 2-3 people. We have been understaffed for a long time and our complaints regarding staffing have not been taken seriously. All of this could have been avoided had they properly staffed my section that night. I am now realizing that my supervisor and most of the agency is narcissistic and it has only gotten worse, it's really creating problems for many even with a union in place. So thank you again for your commitment to sharing your knowledge. ~~Jacinta

  31. Thank you for these videos. I'm a high performer who left a position after 7 years with a narc. And here I am again with a whole new set of narcs and flying monkeys. But now my eyes are open and Im learning. I'm done being anxious. I'm done being sad. I'm done being confused. I'm done being angry. I've been thinking this all week. The entire company is punitive and narcissistic.

  32. Thank you so much . I am struggling for an year to understand my boss , finally I see all the traits in him. He has made my life hell , it doesn’t matter what I do he keeps coming behind me. I am scared as I am a international employee and working with my visa .

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